Letting Life In

Please, close your eyes and listen to the lyrics.  Feel them.

While driving today, I glanced in the rear view mirror and saw the reflections of three beautiful faces.  Joy permeated every cell of my being.  I soaked it all in and continued driving.  It was one of those moments you wish you could capture and hold onto forever.  I did not always have the ability to experience joy.

Nine days after I turned 18, my mom died.  She was sick for ten years so her death wasn’t sudden, but losing her was like a knock out punch straight to my heart.  I battled depression for many years after she passed and dealt with it by eating too much, drinking too much, smoking, taking anti-depressants, and even making myself throw up sometimes. I remember going to the grocery store and buying foods that were easy to bring back up.  I was sick and needed help.  I was mean, miserable and unable to experience joy or open my heart to anyone.  I didn’t even know who I was and I wasn’t willing to take the time to find out.  I was a b@*#@ and I had no intention on changing that.  I was cruelest to the people I loved the most, including myself.

One day, while I had the end of my toothbrush down my throat in order to make myself throw up, I realized I could not let my entire life pass me by while I was miserable.  For some reason I felt that letting go of the pain would be letting go of my mom, and I wasn’t ready for that.  Instead of harming myself that day, I went for a walk.  It was then that I promised myself I would never intentionally self harm again.  I joined the gym and began my healing journey.

Fast forward to now, and I am living that promise daily.  I take it all in.  I feel the hurt, the pain, the sadness, but also the joy, the love, the happiness and I am present. I am letting life in.

 

 

 

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